“Today, my mother's heart is broken. My son will soon be celebrating his 4th birthday, and his first birthday with his classmates. Everything is going well at school, he is well integrated, he has invited a dozen. Of the total, 1 parent responded present, 2 will not come and the others have not even responded despite having put a desired response date [...]”. This poignant testimony from a mother in our Facebook group Ma vie de Magicmaman, in disarray, illustrates a situation that many parents and children are faced with.
For Marie Costa, the first thing to do is to accept her discomfort and her pain as parents: “adults must know how to welcome negative emotions”.
Communicate with your child
But how can I warn your child of such a cataclysm for him? It all starts with communication. In particular, you can delay the announcement of the bad news, especially if it is less than 5 years old. The parental coach then recommends to “wait until the last second for all the answers before announcing something negative to him.”
Video of the day:After explaining the situation to him, if the child's disappointment is intense, listening is essential. Ask him and talk about his feelings so as not to minimize his pain. "It's doing what we call empathetic listening," says the specialist. In this way, the child will feel understood. On the other hand, if he is still too young to put words to his emotions, Marie Costa recommends drawing as a communication tool adapted to his young age. “Ask him to draw a little man and color the body area where he is in pain, for example the eyes if he wants to cry”. Finally, parents can teach children to let their sadness go through them, to then calm her down. “Drink a big glass of water, open a window to look at the trees etc.” says the specialist.
Practical advice
Some practical solutions exist to prevent possible disappointment for your child. If chasing up the other parents when they leave school remains an efficient solution, Marie Costa also encourages dads and moms “to create links and memories with the other parents at school. This link can lead to an invitation of the couple to the house which will also allow the children to discover each other outside of school and birthday parties. You can also extend the invitation list to people from other backgrounds than your child's class. , if he is small, etc. Also invite the extended family (cousin, cousin, grandparents). Also, give invitations 15 days in advance or make WhatsApp groups with other parents,” she continues.
The date of the birthday is also important, especially when it takes place in the middle of summer (in July and August). “I therefore advise parents to plan the date of the birthday party in June. “ commented Marie Costa.
Deeper issues
Sometimes the absence of peers at your child's birthdays is rooted in root causes, such as the inability of some to make friends due to a shyness or a reserved character. Parents can introduce their child to the observation of individuals to enable him to report on the functioning of a social group (the one who commands, who speaks the loudest). “Thanks to observation, he will be able to select an ideal friend” emphasizes Marie Costa.
To alleviate the loneliness of children, some schools set up a “bench of friends”. It is a fun system that encourages students to watch over their isolated peers in the playgrounds. “When a child sits on this bench, someone has to come and sit next to him within 2 minutes,” says the parental coach.
Long-term consequences
“No one came to my birthday when I turned 16. I was waiting alone on the couch” testifies this young woman of 27 years, who wishes to remain anonymous. A traumatic evening that regularly impacts him in terms of taking initiatives. “I no longer dare to organize events with my friends, for fear that it will start again. Sometimes I feel invisible, I don't feel in my place with people, I don't dare to speak up, I don't feel legitimate”.
Thus, such an event can cause long-term repercussions in adolescence as well as in adulthood. Self-confidence will be turned upside down, and the possibility that a child will struggle to find his place in society cannot be ruled out. He may feel rejected and close in on himself, going so far as to develop anxiety disorders. “As teenagers, there are many who no longer want to go to school, because of school phobia, or do not want to leave their room. They only communicate through social networks” warns the specialist. In this case, she suggests “calling on a therapist and as parents, teaching your child to restore his confidence with others with small missions like saying hello to the neighbor”.
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